Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Home again.
My own room.
My own shelves.
My own books.
My own closet.
My own clothes.
My own trinkets.
My own.
Though I can physically touch all these things,
I feel like I am stuck in a memory.
It is as if everything is a part of who I used to be.
Either that or I have forgotten a part of who I am.
So many things;
Colorful, random, weird, seemingly out of place,
All remind me of the me I think I knew.
The me that was seen as "Spazzy Jazzy"
Hidden things I find amongst all these;
Art, poetry, prose, lyric, decoration even,
Show an unhealthy side of me.
They bring back ungrateful memories of the me no one could ever see.
The me with the tears in her eyes,
The me with the knife in her bathroom drawer,
The me with the bruises and bruised heard,
The me behind the mask on her face.

I am none of these.
I no longer feel that I live up to the me that was "Spazzy Jazzy"
And I know I've left the other side forever.
So then, who am I?
I do not know and I fear I'll never discover it here.
Did I lose my spunk?
I feel that I have.
I long to have spunk again, to be random and silly and spazzy
I thought that was me
It was me once,
Was it not?
Or was it all a charade to make others feel that I'm okay.
I miss the adventure.
I miss the laughing.
I miss the dancing.
I miss the variously colored painted nails.
I miss the random words, subjects, and conversations.
I miss the spontaneity.
What happened to me?
Now I am boring.
Now I am foolish.
Now I am mute.
This home has trapped all my old memories inside.
This home has become my asylum.
This home has lost the feeling of a home.
This home has remained the same.
It is I who has changed.


Changes and Explanations

First of all, I haven't followed any recent posting assignments because I'm fasting facebook for lent. As a result I don't have the option of looking at the assignments which are posted on facebook. Secondly, I have more time at the moment to actually write only my motivation to write has just gone up in the air and only falls back down at the utmost impeccable times.

There is so much going on right now and yet so little. The weather has been utterly amazing. It's been pouring rain, lightning and thundering since Friday. Although there were two hours of sun today, the clouds, rain and thunder all came back so quickly it's as if they'd never been gone. I am still jobless and the closer it gets to yet another departure from this island I somewhat call home, the harder it is to find a job. I decided I would definitely be happy to be staggiaire at this little cupcake bakery in the city. This way, there isn't too much obligation to be here forever since I won't be getting paid. I haven't turned in my resume yet. I'm still without a license which is just simply exhausting! I'll be going on Thursday morning with the hopes that there will be an opening for me.

I'm stuck at home all day doing chore after chore and when I'm not I'm a couch potato and it really sucks. If I at least had my license I could drive to town and look for jobs, visit friends, go to the beach, or  just go shopping. But no, I'm stuck and I hate it. Today my mother and I went shopping for boxes and a few things to help organize all my belongings. At least tomorrow I'll have something real productive to do.

I look at the year ahead of me and I already see that it is such a roller coaster and I don't know if I'm ready for the ride.