Wednesday, April 25, 2012

There are things I've done in the past that I'm not proud of.

There are choices I have made that I know I should not have made.
This doesn't mean that I regret them.
I own up to the fact that I made these choices knowing the possible consequences, knowing the definite consequences, knowing that I could have just as easily walked away. 
Let's be honest; when the time came for me to walk away, I didn't want to.
Can I really look back and call that a regret?
Honestly, if I could go back, I probably wouldn't change a thing.

I'm not proud of the choices I made but in a sense I'm glad I made them.
Despite the consequences, learning to cope with them has built up a new part of me that I never knew I had.

So, before you say you have a lot of regrets, think back and look at the situation from a different perspective; remember how you really felt at that moment when the time came to go forth or walk away.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Home again.
My own room.
My own shelves.
My own books.
My own closet.
My own clothes.
My own trinkets.
My own.
Though I can physically touch all these things,
I feel like I am stuck in a memory.
It is as if everything is a part of who I used to be.
Either that or I have forgotten a part of who I am.
So many things;
Colorful, random, weird, seemingly out of place,
All remind me of the me I think I knew.
The me that was seen as "Spazzy Jazzy"
Hidden things I find amongst all these;
Art, poetry, prose, lyric, decoration even,
Show an unhealthy side of me.
They bring back ungrateful memories of the me no one could ever see.
The me with the tears in her eyes,
The me with the knife in her bathroom drawer,
The me with the bruises and bruised heard,
The me behind the mask on her face.

I am none of these.
I no longer feel that I live up to the me that was "Spazzy Jazzy"
And I know I've left the other side forever.
So then, who am I?
I do not know and I fear I'll never discover it here.
Did I lose my spunk?
I feel that I have.
I long to have spunk again, to be random and silly and spazzy
I thought that was me
It was me once,
Was it not?
Or was it all a charade to make others feel that I'm okay.
I miss the adventure.
I miss the laughing.
I miss the dancing.
I miss the variously colored painted nails.
I miss the random words, subjects, and conversations.
I miss the spontaneity.
What happened to me?
Now I am boring.
Now I am foolish.
Now I am mute.
This home has trapped all my old memories inside.
This home has become my asylum.
This home has lost the feeling of a home.
This home has remained the same.
It is I who has changed.


Changes and Explanations

First of all, I haven't followed any recent posting assignments because I'm fasting facebook for lent. As a result I don't have the option of looking at the assignments which are posted on facebook. Secondly, I have more time at the moment to actually write only my motivation to write has just gone up in the air and only falls back down at the utmost impeccable times.

There is so much going on right now and yet so little. The weather has been utterly amazing. It's been pouring rain, lightning and thundering since Friday. Although there were two hours of sun today, the clouds, rain and thunder all came back so quickly it's as if they'd never been gone. I am still jobless and the closer it gets to yet another departure from this island I somewhat call home, the harder it is to find a job. I decided I would definitely be happy to be staggiaire at this little cupcake bakery in the city. This way, there isn't too much obligation to be here forever since I won't be getting paid. I haven't turned in my resume yet. I'm still without a license which is just simply exhausting! I'll be going on Thursday morning with the hopes that there will be an opening for me.

I'm stuck at home all day doing chore after chore and when I'm not I'm a couch potato and it really sucks. If I at least had my license I could drive to town and look for jobs, visit friends, go to the beach, or  just go shopping. But no, I'm stuck and I hate it. Today my mother and I went shopping for boxes and a few things to help organize all my belongings. At least tomorrow I'll have something real productive to do.

I look at the year ahead of me and I already see that it is such a roller coaster and I don't know if I'm ready for the ride.


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

They say an artist's best work is revealed in the late hours of the night.

Recently, on many nights, I lay awake in bed. It is most definitely past midnight and I am trying to sleep.
Then a few lyrics will pop into my head and they're the some of the best lyrics I've ever thought up!
But you see, here is my dilemma:
If I get out of bed, turn on the light, and write these lyrics down, I very well may never get to sleep.
However, I'll spend the next hour or so repeating the three lines of lyric over and over again in my head.
I tell myself I will remember them when I wake.
And when the morning comes, I can not remember a single word for the life of me.
I think so hard but I never get anywhere far.
In the end I've lost sleep and I've lost my lyrics.
It's like my songs are out there, floating about.
They can't find their way back around to me.
Oh please, "baby come back to me"
I never meant to set you free.
Oh please, my lost words, won't you hear my plea!
It is your brilliant rhythm and rhyme that can help make my dream a destiny.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

An Unfound Home

I have not written in quite a while.
Well here are the things worth writing that has happened so far.

I finally went back home to Hawaii. I can't say whether I was truly happy about this. If I was, then I can't say how much happiness I could truly measure. It was the first time in four years that I'd be coming home to everything once again my own. My own room, to myself. My own bed, to myself. My own closet, to myself. My own desk, to myself. My own bathroom, to myself. No longer any cousins, grandmother, aunty, uncle, or brothers to share it with. I was indeed satisfied with this. Finally, I had something of my own.

Though when I first walked through the doors of the house I'd called home for several years I felt the inescapable, utterly frightening feeling that I was not home. Everything around me looked so familiar. It looked like the home I knew. It smelled like the home I remembered. It was and still is the home that is etched into my memories. Why couldn't I shake this feeling that I wasn't home? That I wasn't where I truly belonged? This house no longer had a place for me though it currently has so much more space than it ever had available to take.

The more I stayed and observed the new life my family adopted I realized that I was needed here. I felt needed. I saw the purpose of my coming home, the need for me to be with my family though the feeling and sense of not belonging here has never left my body. No matter how much I try to shake these thoughts and feelings away they cling to me like leeches.

They say home is where the heart is. Though I know my heart is not a home and neither is the house I'd lived in for so long.
Now I'm back in the bay area and I feel as if I'd simply been on a strange, backwards vacation. This is where I belong, where my heart has already deemed its home to be. However it pains me to see the need back where my family is. I see where I am needed and where I am needed I will be. I also see where I am destined to be in the future and very hopefully the near future and I wish so much that I could see at least this part of God's plan laid out for me on a map so that I could understand everything that's happening to me. I know one thing for sure. I absolutely need to be patient.

Under most circumstances I am a very patient person. Lately my patience has been running dry. I'm trying hard to be patient, I am. It just gets harder and harder every day. It gets harder with every question that questions my future that I don't have an immediate or befitting answer to. I'm not as lame or pathetic as I sound to be right now. Honestly I'm waiting. I'm waiting on God. His timing is the perfect timing. Trust me, it's not an excuse that I'm using, I mean really, if it were completely up to me all of my surgeries would be over with by now, I'd have a job, a car, and I'd be going to school and living in the bay area. This is the desire of my heart and I know as long as I am patient and depending on God and I follow His will He will grant me the desires of my heart. My heart aches while it aches to have patience. Patience. Patience. Patience is the word the repeats itself in my mind to remind my heart that I must. be. patient.

2 Corinthians 6:3-10 (New Living Translation)
(3) We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. (4) In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. (5) We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. (6) We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. (7) We faithfully preach the truth. God's power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. (8) We serve God whether people honor us or despise is, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. (9) We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. (10) Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.

We are reminded to not give up hope. Hold on to our faith even if our faith becomes so small as a mustard seed. As long as we hold on to our tiniest seed of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, He will show us the way, the truth, and the Life and through Him we can move mountains. Not giving up hope, holding on to our faith, keeping our patience, it's all the same thing. It's all trusting in God.