Well here are the things worth writing that has happened so far.
I finally went back home to Hawaii. I can't say whether I was truly happy about this. If I was, then I can't say how much happiness I could truly measure. It was the first time in four years that I'd be coming home to everything once again my own. My own room, to myself. My own bed, to myself. My own closet, to myself. My own desk, to myself. My own bathroom, to myself. No longer any cousins, grandmother, aunty, uncle, or brothers to share it with. I was indeed satisfied with this. Finally, I had something of my own.
Though when I first walked through the doors of the house I'd called home for several years I felt the inescapable, utterly frightening feeling that I was not home. Everything around me looked so familiar. It looked like the home I knew. It smelled like the home I remembered. It was and still is the home that is etched into my memories. Why couldn't I shake this feeling that I wasn't home? That I wasn't where I truly belonged? This house no longer had a place for me though it currently has so much more space than it ever had available to take.
The more I stayed and observed the new life my family adopted I realized that I was needed here. I felt needed. I saw the purpose of my coming home, the need for me to be with my family though the feeling and sense of not belonging here has never left my body. No matter how much I try to shake these thoughts and feelings away they cling to me like leeches.
They say home is where the heart is. Though I know my heart is not a home and neither is the house I'd lived in for so long.
Now I'm back in the bay area and I feel as if I'd simply been on a strange, backwards vacation. This is where I belong, where my heart has already deemed its home to be. However it pains me to see the need back where my family is. I see where I am needed and where I am needed I will be. I also see where I am destined to be in the future and very hopefully the near future and I wish so much that I could see at least this part of God's plan laid out for me on a map so that I could understand everything that's happening to me. I know one thing for sure. I absolutely need to be patient.
Under most circumstances I am a very patient person. Lately my patience has been running dry. I'm trying hard to be patient, I am. It just gets harder and harder every day. It gets harder with every question that questions my future that I don't have an immediate or befitting answer to. I'm not as lame or pathetic as I sound to be right now. Honestly I'm waiting. I'm waiting on God. His timing is the perfect timing. Trust me, it's not an excuse that I'm using, I mean really, if it were completely up to me all of my surgeries would be over with by now, I'd have a job, a car, and I'd be going to school and living in the bay area. This is the desire of my heart and I know as long as I am patient and depending on God and I follow His will He will grant me the desires of my heart. My heart aches while it aches to have patience. Patience. Patience. Patience is the word the repeats itself in my mind to remind my heart that I must. be. patient.
2 Corinthians 6:3-10 (New Living Translation)
(3) We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. (4) In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. (5) We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. (6) We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. (7) We faithfully preach the truth. God's power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. (8) We serve God whether people honor us or despise is, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. (9) We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. (10) Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
We are reminded to not give up hope. Hold on to our faith even if our faith becomes so small as a mustard seed. As long as we hold on to our tiniest seed of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, He will show us the way, the truth, and the Life and through Him we can move mountains. Not giving up hope, holding on to our faith, keeping our patience, it's all the same thing. It's all trusting in God.